By Nkem DenChukwu
When an insect bites, just remember, it’s probably in your pocket.
In 2014, I was inspired to write my second children’s book, titled ALLEY-GATORS: THE BULLIES OF POUGHKEEPSIE. Childhood orientation has so much to do with how we think and behave as adults. Either it shapes us or breaks us. If we can change the mindset of more than one child, one teen, one adult, at a time, we can help reduce the number of bullies and potential killers out there.
Bullies and killers are not born. They are made.
After each fatal accident…no, incident, many ask the same tired question, “Why are Nigerian men killing their wives?” The questions should be, “Why are men killing their wives? Why are bullies bulling? Why do we do those things that break the heart of God by killing one another?” Well, there’s a fine line between craziness and dementia. One doesn’t have to be roaming the streets naked for you to know they have lost their mind. Don’t you think so? Well, I know so. When someone tells you; I will kill you. I will hurt you. Believe them. When they strike you once, there’s a greater chance you will be struck again. And on the day he has had more than he could handle…beer, hard liquor, that is, he’d probably hit you harder, as in telegraphed bolo punches. Now, the questions should be; Why would some women not extricate themselves from the situation they know clearly is detrimental to their lives? Why would a clear-minded woman plant herself like a honey-plastered fixture to attract bees? Do they not feel the sting? By remaining inside the beehive, they inadvertently sign they own death warrants, all because they want to save their marriages and have Mrs. Somebody attached to their names? Wherefore, rejoice in a marriage one knows is a sham? Wherefore, rejoice in your own pain?
The killing of spouses is not limited to Nigerian men alone. The killing of spouses clearly has nothing to do with race or nationality, but has everything to do with the killer’s frame of mind. Does the killing of spouses appear to be larger in scope in the United States? If so, why is that? In a nation where divorce is part of the equation in any marriage, you would think the panacea for a bad marriage is readily available. Not necessarily true. Maybe, the desire to stay on “…TILL DEATH DO US PART” is pushed toward that boundary where the deadlier spouse nudges Death overboard to welcome it faster than it is due. No relationship is guaranteed. If anything, a relationship is guaranteed fluid, and could easily move, crisscrossing between crevices inside the general body of the entity itself to find wicked niches from where it propagates the hydra-headed monster for the eventual kill. Why do some women remain with these monsters that stare them in the face at all times, not up and leave? Easier said than done, right? Nah! They are stronger than they believe. These women must understand that Fear lurks in the dark, therefore, is an illusion. When you kick Fear to the curb, it stays down. It’s all about your mindset. How do you want to live each day of your life? is the question.
A great number of women in the United States have been killed by their husbands, boyfriends, even by an ex. These stories are constantly making Headline News. In 2015, a husband fatally shot his Nigerian wife according to the Dallas Morning News. http://www.dallasnews.com/news/community-news/best-southwest/headlines/20150830-bank-security-guard-accused-of-fatally-shooting-wife-at-his-work.ece
A man from Geismar was accused of brutally beating his estranged wife to death Sundaynight with a baseball bat. http://theadvocate.com/news/weeklies/13151995-123/geismar-man-accused-of-beating In April 2015, a Nigerian man in Houston, Texas, stabbed his Cameroonian fiancé to death. http://www.khou.com/story/news/crime/2015/04/09/man-accused-of-fatally-stabbing-fiancee-in-mission-bend-home/25504753/ “In Dallas, an ex-boyfriend was linked to the killing of his ex-girlfriend.” http://www.dallasnews.com/news/crime/headlines/20150908-victims-boyfriends-ex-linked-to-killing-in-uptown-garage.ece
In 2014, another man killed his doctor wife according to Houston Chronicle http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/Man-arrested-in-wife-s-death-in-W-Harris-County-5342058.php
Many women stay, knowing that these men are toxic in their lives. Some stay praying and hoping the monsters in their men go away. When you see those early signs of abuse; physical, mental, and emotional, why stay? Some say “…because I love him and he loves me too. For the sake of the kids. He promised to change. It’s the alcohol. My children need their father. I’m scared of starting over. I am too old. I have invested so much in this relationship. I can’t just leave! I don’t have a job. The sex is amazing! I will be made a caricature of…” The reasons and/or excuses are endless. If you are in an abusive relationship/marriage, ask yourself, What happens if/when he kills me? What becomes of my child (or children)? Well, if OR when that happens, your story will be told by others, accurate or not, while taxpayers’ monies keep him in jail for life or awhile. The bottom-line: Your killer will be breathing, eating, LOL, getting some kind of training, education, rehabilitation, and maybe, a repentant heart…eventually. And you, still dead.
Wake-up and see your potential killer. He is NOT your friend. He is a fiend.
In New Jersey, just two days after Christmas in 2013, a man killed his 26-year-old wife. She was nine months pregnant. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/12/31/east-orange-man-charged-in-death-of-pregnant-wife/
There are bullies and killers in every part of the world. Now, brace yourself. From this clip, this victim was an ex-wife. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcpWQ3Bp0UE
The reason or reasons for bludgeoning, stabbing, or shooting one to death is as eclectic as one would find in the synapses of any deranged mind. Bringing domestic abuse closer to home: Many Nigerian women in abusive marriages or relationships have accepted this way of life as a norm. Same way many Africans have accepted the phrase “African Time,” as a way of life, to describe their tardiness to events. Pitiful!
HERE’S A SNAPSHOT OF ONE DEADLY INCIDENT (Fiction or Non-Fiction? Well, GO FIGURE):
On that cold winter night, a shot rang out in the dead of night. Bang! The neighbors told the Police. One gunshot was all it took to turn her into a bloody mess. It was in the wee hours of the morning. She was asleep…probably dreaming of roses and other nimble characters her dormant mind was constructing. Their twins were asleep in the next room. He walked up the edge of the bed in the guest room, took one look at her, and then pulled the trigger. The savagery, the sheer brutality of it numbs the mind. And this from the man she had exchanged marriage vows with. “I do.” Yeah right! She was not given the chance to defend herself. Again, she was asleep. Her husband lost his mind in a moment of blind fury. Some brand of anger is indeed a raging, destructive storm. She had seen Death coming, and did nothing to avert that. The sparks were there, as in the mean verbal exchanges, the emotional, and the physical abuses that were piling up. And he had warned her he was going to kill her. She didn’t believe him. She stayed for the sake of their children, hoping he’d change into the man she had fallen in love with…and then married. On their wedding day, he vowed to love and cherish her till Death did them part. Seasons changed, and he adopted and swore to a new vow, to kill her instead. He did. Death did do them part. …The End.
Love has no room for hate. Rather, it should make room for growth, hope, and joy. To rise above the enemy (hate, anger, self-doubt, jealousy, procrastination, insecurity, and ego, and everything else that you have in that toxic bag) takes the grace of God and most definitely, your efforts. But first, you must ask for that grace. Fasting and prayers do work when you also give God something to work with. Miracles do happen too. I know. Manna does fall from heaven, figuratively speaking. However, to get to a destination, we need to put our feet down and then, one foot forward. No matter the roadblocks and the detours along the way, when we keep moving, our journey progresses with every step.
Many women did not have the opportunity to edit the errors in their Book of Life. Not many women woke up from the delusion that their husbands or boyfriends would change. Women like Joi Tiffany and Mori Gabriella Montgomery had the opportunities to tell their own stories. They are victors. They are winners. They are unstoppable. They are alive. https://www.facebook.com/DVSurvivorjoitiffanyhttp://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/an-inspiration-mori-gabriella-montgomery-shares-her-domestic-violence-story-on-social-media/story-fnixwvgh-1226851519160
I hope and pray these testimonies and stories wake you up if you are still sleeping in a toxic relationship/marriage, broken, with your Death Warrant on one hand.
Every now and then, evaluate and re-evaluate your life; your journey, goals, where you have been, where you are, and where you would like to be. Take stock of it all. Don’t regret your past. The word ‘regret’ should not in your vocabulary. Instead, choose the word, ‘mistake.’ We all make mistakes. The bottom-line is to learn from them. Every experience is meant to be a lesson. The problem is when you live through an experience, but still ignorant of the lessons you were meant to learn.
Life is not about falling down. It is about getting up. Get up and do your best to keep standing. I know for sure, unless you allow someone to do so; No one can abuse you, No one can mistreat you…hit you more than once, No one can degrade you…
Never be a Victim. Be a Victor.
Nkem DenChukwu
Award-Winning Filmmaker & Author
www.nkemdenchukwu.com
