I have a January birthday, so every year I spend the month of December reflecting on the past twelve months and setting my intentions for the next twelve. There is no point in living if you are not constantly growing,so I ask myself what I could have done differently. Interestingly, my thoughts always revolve around working harder, loving more, giving more often, traveling, and cherishing existing relationships while fostering new ones.
This year, I took a job out of state and relocated without my family to a city where I did not know anyone! Moving to another state was not something I had ever thought about or considered;however, an incredible career opportunity presented itself, and I felt compelled to explore it. After all, I did not want to wake up one day and regret not taking the chance. The older I become, the fewer regrets I allow myself. The mere idea of pursuing the job was both scary and invigorating. Ultimately, I resigned from a place I had worked for almost fifteen years, packed up and drove eight and half hours to start a new job. I went from always being surrounded by family, friends, and a supportive community to living alone. All of a sudden, I had so much time on my hands. I instantly went from a life where I was constantly juggling competing demands from friends, family, work and my various community involvements to doing absolutely NOTHING. Just work.
With my usual Pollyanna attitude, I set out to embrace my new city. I have always loved the beach and now I live less than 3 miles away from one of the most beautiful ocean fronts in the world. “Beach gazing” quickly became my favorite past time, andsitting or walking on the beach is and always has been a great avenue to clear my thoughts. Needless to say, I have more clarity than I have had in years. I have learned that in all my busyness, there are things about my life and myself I never stopped to address. I have been asking myself if I liked being busy or if it was just a way to prevent myself from introspecting. I am still exploring the answer to this question.
In all the quietness, I became more intentional. Time was on my side. No commuting in traffic. No cooking. No working long hours. No community events to attend. No rushing. My phone rang less. I could have a thought and ruminate on it for hours. No interruptions. No distraction from unpleasant thoughts. I had no choice but to deal with them as they dropped in my consciousness. They had to be handled. No escape.
As time went by, I became more comfortable with my thoughts. It was time to face the truth. I had to. I soon realized that I have been lying to everyone around me about who I am, which did not bother me as much as realizing that I have been lying to myself. They seemed subtle, but I may have done a lot of damage to myself along the way because of those lies. I was shocked to learn that I have a very long list of the lies I told myself and I am still assessing the damage. Below are a few of them –
“I am okay”
“I don’t need anyone”
“I don’t care”
“It doesn’t matter”
I actually said these so much that I almost believed them. I now know that I say them to make myself feel better. They are my self-preservation mantras. I tell them to myself when people disappoint me or when things do not go my way. Rather than accept or admit that I am hurt or need help, I downplay the significance of negative situations that affect me. I now realize that these are merely defense mechanisms I have adopted over the years. But, defense from what? The answer is actually too painful to accept.
It feels good to finally admit that I am not always okay, I need people, I do care and it really does matter. I cannot honestly tell you why I have perpetuated these lies all these years. Culture? Upbringing? Habituation? Training? Was it pride that made me say I am okay when I was anything but? Was it fear that I might be pushed away that made me declare I did not need anyone? Did I decide not to care because I was so sure I would be rejected? Did I hide my disappointment by claiming those disappointments did not matter?
I am grateful that I no longer feel the need to defend myself from my truth. No more assurances and convincing required. It is not necessary. I am vulnerable. My vulnerability no longer embarrasses me. I can now handle pride, fear, rejection, and disappointment without lying. I am reminded of W. Somerset Maugham, who asserts that “if it is necessary sometimes to lie to others, it is always despicable to lie to oneself.”
So as I set my intentions for next year, I resolve to be more of my authentic self. I am thinking less about working harder, loving, giving, traveling, and cherishing relationships;rather, I am focusing on not being afraid of expressing myself and my truth. I will ask for help even though I may not get it. I will extend a hand even if it may be rejected. I really do care and it matters to me. I am exposed and it is okay. After all, I am vulnerable!We all are.
Donot be afraid of your vulnerability. We are conditioned to view our vulnerability as weakness and as such we tend to hide it. This, however,can lead to delusion. Be honest with yourself and embrace your truth. No more lies. Ask for help,even if it may not be forthcoming. Jump, even when you are not sure someone will catch you. It may be risky. Do it anyway. Do not focus on the outcome, but on the fact that you are daring to live without guarantees.Try it, so you can truly realize who you are.Imagine how freeing this can be. Believe me, it’s worth it.
Iruka A. Ndubuizu is a Negotiations Expert, Speaker, “Contract Guru”, Consultant, Trainer and Founder of Eureka Consulting, LLC (www.eurekaconsultingllc.com). Contact info: info@eurekaconsultingllc.com; +1 678.224.1960.
