Stupid Wife

A man is in court.

Judge: “You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you’ll have to give us a damn good reason.”

Man: “She was so stupid, I just had to kill her.”

Judge: “That is even worse. If you don’t want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason.”
Man: “Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a growth deficiency. So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees.”

So I say: “You mean pygmy?”

“No,” says my wife. “Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles.”

“That’s pigment,” I say.

So she says, “No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on.”

I sigh and say, “No, that’s parchment!”

“No,” says she, “Parchment is an unfinished sentence.”

“Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the ‘fragment’, I got back to my armchair and my newspaper. But then suddenly she’s back with a book, and she says, “Honey, check out this weird sentence, it says: ‘The sun roof of the purse was the teacher of pimp fifteen.'”

I take the book and say, “But honey, this is in French. It says ‘La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Lois XV.’ It means ‘The marquise of Pompadour was the lover of Louis the 15th'”

“No!”, says my wife, “You have to translate it literally: La Marquise – the sunroof. Pompadour – the purse. La Maitresse – the teacher, Louis XV – pimp 15. I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons.”

I say, “You mean a lector?”

“No,” says my wife, “Lector was an ancient Greek hero.”

I say, “That was Hector, and he was a Trojan.”

“Nope”, says she, “Hector is a measure of area.”

“That’d be hectare”

“No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!”

“That’d be nectar.”

“No,” says she, “the Nectar is a river in southern Germany.”

So I say, “That’s the Neckar.”

She says, “No, I must know, there’s even a song about it. I recently sung it in a duo with my friend.”

I say, “It’s a duet!!”

She replies, “No, that’s when two men are fighting with a saber.”

“That’s a duel,” I say.

“No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!”

Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death…

There was a long silence, shocked faces.

Finally the judge says: Not guilty. I would have killed her at “Hector”